Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.

Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for your funeral."

Business Joke

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow.

"How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

Aging Joke

A foursome of elderly golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his aging buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

Aging Joke

An elderly man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling young man," he asked.

"I'm not selling anything," the young man said. I'm a census taker."

"A what ?" the elder man asked.

"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea."

Aging Joke

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren... ...all boys. The kids always wanted to play "war", and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.

His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!"

Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right.

Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, "Sh-sh-sh, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest."

Aging Joke

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Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

The following is an example of how it manifests:
The other day, I decided to wash my car. As I started toward the garage, I noticed that there was mail on the hall table, and decided to go through the mail before I washed the car.

I laid my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and noticed that the trash can was full. So, I decided to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I thought, "since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first." So I took my checkbook off the table, but realized that there was only one check left. My extra checks were in my desk in the study, so I went to my desk where I found the bottle of soda that I had been drinking. I was going to look for my checks, but first I needed to push the soda aside so that I wouldn't accidentally knock it over.
I thought that the soda must be getting warm and I decided I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I headed toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter caught my eye, and they needed to be watered. I set the soda down on the counter and I discovered my reading glasses (that I'd been searching for all morning). I decided that I had better put them back on my desk, but first, I was going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, filled a container with water and suddenly spotted the TV remote. Someone had left it on the kitchen table. I imagined that that evening when we began to watch TV, we would be looking for the remote, but nobody would remember that it was on the kitchen table, so I decided to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I needed to water the flowers. I splashed some water on the flowers, but most of it spilled on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, retrieved some towels and wiped up the spill. Then I headed down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car wasn't washed, the trash hadn't been taken out, the bills weren't paid. There was a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter. The flowers weren't watered. There was still only one check in my checkbook. I couldn't find the remote. I couldn't find by glasses and I couldn't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I tried to figure out why nothing got done all day, I was really baffled because I knew that I was busy all day long and was really tired from the effort. I realized that I had a serious problem, and decided to try to get some help for it, but first I thought I would check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Will you send this message to everyone I know, because I don't remember whom I've told about this.