Living in Dallas, we actually know someone who tried out this year and she told us all about the times they had to walk into the building over and over and repeat things they were doing for the show. It should be entertaining!
]]>CMT's Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge is sponsoring our site this week. Check it out by clicking any of their banners throughout the site and let me know what you think!
You would think that being from Texas I would be well acquainted with rodeo, but I'm not.
]]>The N: Star Stylist is sponsoring our site this week. Check it out by clicking any of their banners throughout the site and let me know what you think!
I, for one, am probably the least stylish person around, so maybe I can learn something.
]]>Please donate a couple of dollars (or more) to keep the site going or you can become a sponsor.
If each visitor would donate $2 per month, I could get rid of all the advertising.
I'm moving the clean jokes archive to its own domain, MyCleanHumor.com.
It will still be accessible here and you'll still find the daily jokes here. I just think it deserves its own site.
Lisa, a worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. John reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter he'd written then.
"All you have to do," John told her, "Is change the details, the date, and the name."
She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to change the name."
]]>Two men were sitting at a bar one day. They ordered their drinks and sat at the bar for a while. Suddenly, they both stood up, slapped hands, and yelled, "Fifty-five!" The bartender was pretty confused but just decided to ignore them.
About five or ten minutes later, they both stood up again, slapped hands, and yelled, "Fifty-five!" Again the bartender just decided to ignore them.
Ten minutes later they followed the same routine. By now the bartender was getting pretty annoyed, so he went over and asked, "Why do you guys keep standing up and yelling fifty-five?"
One of them said, "Well, today after work we decided to work on a puzzle. On the side of the box it said 2 to 4 years, but we got it done in fifty-five minutes!"
]]>Two weeks after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor.
The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in as he pressed home his sales pitch.
Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.
"None," I replied. "This isn't my child."
]]>My best friend's family created an Australian Zoo Video for the Crocodile Hunter video competition. I think it's pretty funny. It would be great if you would take the time to watch the video and vote for it if you like it.
]]>We were dining at the home of a friend one evening when the hostess passed a bowl of broccoli to my husband.
"No, thanks," he said. "I've already had some." He quickly added, "I think I was eight or nine at the time."
]]>When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.
"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then press the trigger to release the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin... ...and hurled the extinguisher into the blaze.
]]>When the waitress in an American restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the British tourist was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said. "What IS this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
]]>I'm trying to figure out a better way to pay for the costs of keeping the site online. I've been experimenting with different ad formats and technologies, but I'm not happy with what I have so far. If people clicked the ads on the site, I could get by with less ads, which I would prefer. I would actually prefer no ads. I've put a poll in the blog to see what methods you would prefer. Please vote in the poll in the right-hand column.
Thank you for your comments and suggestions. The initial reaction to the new site design was overwhelmingly positive. However, as we have started to try to use the site there are some flaws that need to be addressed. As I stated initially, when we launched this design, this is only a temporary step while I work on the new design. I don't know how long it will take, but it is high on the priority list. Again, thank you for your comments and suggestions, and as always, let me know what you think!
]]>While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That's my talking clock," the young man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," he answered and proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
]]>Tom had proposed to young Maureen and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir", replied Tom, "I'm sure I am."
"Think carefully now," said Maureen's father warningly. "There are twelve of us."
]]>It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
]]>Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships! The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network, with important cost-saving features.
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.
If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of friendship providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship.
Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of all your friendly relationships.
Many of today's most dedicated and highly-trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.
You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else.
You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.
Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan
Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):
A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our Web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier knowing all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.
We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
]]>A woman complained to her best friend, "The kids are driving me nuts! I can't get any rest and I'm pulling my hair out."
"What you need is a playpen so the kids can't get to you and you can get some rest," her friend suggested.
So she bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it." Mary said. "I get in the playpen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
]]>A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery. He went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly monk answered the door, and he said, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner, even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a strange sound.
The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way.
Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car. That night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks replied, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man said, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. How do I become a monk?"
The monks replied, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and knocked on the door of the monastery. He said, "I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth."
The monks replied, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk said, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks gave him the key, and he opened the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The man demanded the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key, and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demanded another key from the monks, who provided it. Behind that door was another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks said, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man was relieved to no end. He unlocked the door, turned the knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.
]]>Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
]]>Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as TV Sports 1.3, Gran Turismo 2 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Washing-up 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!
Sincerely,
A Concerned Customer
Dear Concerned Customer:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPF's]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate these great features enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolate 7.8.
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more Serious GPF's, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPF's, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, Best Friend 7.6 and Map Reading 3.5.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Gran Turismo 1 and 2 until Mother-In-Law 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support
]]>There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand. Since it was quite hot and he was thirsty, he decided to stop.
Once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents," and a single, very small glass.
Well, he thought that it was a very small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all he could drink, he decided to get some anyway.
He gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. He slapped the glass back onto the table and said, "fill 'er up."
The kid replied, "Sure thing, that'll be 10 cents."
To this the business man said, "But your sign says all you can drink for a dime."
"It is," the little boy replies, "that's all you can drink for a dime."
]]>We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
"The special sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you three dollars and seventy-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay extra for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
]]>Recently, just as an ecumenical gathering was commencing, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring that fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself."
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that the fire would burn itself out.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson, who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The Unity Students proclaimed the fire had no power over them.
Some Atheists in attendance didn't believe there was a fire.
The Secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
...and the Mormons, having arrived fifteen minutes late, missed the fire completely!
]]>A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
]]>As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained.
"She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."
]]>For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the child to feel the movements of the unborn baby. The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event.
Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap one day and said, "whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?
The little boy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
]]>Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
]]>Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down. Knowing he was in trouble, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"
]]>An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a "clunk."
He then made a left turn and again heard a "clunk."
Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".
]]>One day, while a repairman was working on one of the appliances in our kitchen, we started talking.
He asked where my kids went to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband was the sole breadwinner for our family.
I said, "No, I also work... ...out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.
"He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
]]>Then, just today, I ran across this Eurail Pass offer and found out that it is much more affordable than I thought it would be. We may be able to take our European vacation sooner than we thought.
I grew up in Spain, so we could just get the Eurail Spain Rail Pass, but there are also so many other countries with great stuff to see that we would probably get the Eurail Flexipass
.
I'm ready to go!
A man was visiting his friend's farm. He got out of his car and while heading for the door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg.
His curiosity roused, once he got inside, he asked, "How'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the dern thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh?"
"No, he was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well," the farmer told him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."
]]>Soon after marriage, John stopped wearing his wedding ring.
His wife, Vickie asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
"It cuts off my circulation," he complained.
Vickie quipped back, "It's supposed to!"
]]>An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.
"Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
]]>A beginner scrubbed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.
"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
]]>Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge. Here are the things I have become good at:
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."
]]>Doctors at a large managed care network have gone on strike.
Officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.
]]>Two weeks after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor.
The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in as he pressed home his sales pitch.
Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.
"None," I replied. "This isn't my child."
]]>A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
]]>At a cookout with our friends, we had just finished eating and were relaxing in the living room.
Our kids were playing a trivia game and I was asking them questions.
"What is the name of the player between second and third base?" I asked one of the boys. He and his father were avid baseball fans, so I figured this question would be a cinch.
He sat thinking for a while with a look of concentration on his face. I repeated the question and waited a while longer.
As he sat there thinking, his father began to look nervous and a bit embarrassed.
Finally, I asked him for his answer, and after another bit, he looked around the room and then back at me and said, "Derek Jeter?"
]]>A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.
One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home.
"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.
The saleswoman was getting really worried, soshe called out to the man and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she returning?"
"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."
]]>One rainy evening, my husband and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.
He then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a coat hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open, and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."
]]>A man walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he points at the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."
]]>After her son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated mother sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard and called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
]]>A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
]]>A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"
]]>Leaving Nashville for Atlanta, I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.
I went into the bathroom.
The first stall was taken so I went to the second stall. I had just sat down when I heard a voice from the next stall. "Hi there, how's it going?"
Now I'm not the type to strike up a conversation with a stranger in a bathroom on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but finally I said, "Not bad."
Then the voice said, "So, what are you doing?"
I thought that was kind of weird, but I said, "Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm going back East."
The voice interrupted, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this goofball in the next stall keeps answering me!"
]]>A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am mute. I am not able to speak. May I play through, please?"
The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may not play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." He whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the mute sternly looking at him, holding up 4 fingers.
]]>A man goes to his lawyer and says "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says "Don't worry, leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"
]]>
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two American tourists are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espańol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
]]>
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
One day as the man passed the old lady's pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
]]>
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order.
As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
Apologizing, the clerk turned to the customer and said, "I'm sorry, but they just don't make these bags like they used to."
"You're right," replied the customer. "That was supposed to happen in my driveway!"
]]>A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
]]>The strong young man at the construction site was bragging he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
]]>A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, son," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."
"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."
"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.
"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, the boy thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."
"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon," replied the boy.
]]>A motorist driving by a ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
]]>Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith.
"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."
]]>A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
]]>
A man came to work one day, limping noticeably. One of his co-workers noticed and asked him what happened.
"Oh, nothing." he replied, "It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Impressed, his coworker said, "Wow! I never knew you played hockey."
"I don't," came the reply. "I hurt it last year when my team lost the Stanley Cup playoffs. I put my foot through the television."
]]>It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."
The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?"
]]>It was election time and a politician was scheduled to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. He had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya Hoya." The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
]]>
The first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas.
Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife walked in, looked at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, and said, "What in the world are you doing?"
He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."
]]>
I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled. Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay.
"Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully. "And who's your appointment with today?"
]]>
10. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization."
9. You refer to dating as test marketing.
8. You can spell "paradigm."
7. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
5. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
4. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
3. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
2. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people."
And the number 1 sign you've been in the corporate world too long...
1. You use the term "value-added" without laughing.
]]>A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.
In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words.
She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end talking to someone else. "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."
]]>As we were leaving our local wholesale club one evening, the lady checking our receipt greeted my 4-year old son, Jacob.
"Hello. What's your name?" she asked.
"Jacob!" he replied.
"That's a beautiful name," she responded. "Did you know that there was a Jacob in the Bible?"
"Yes," said my son with a smile, "but he was taller!"
I laughed all the way to the car.
]]>It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card.
I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
]]>
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, a woman trained employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."
]]>
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."
They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.
The waiter at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The waiter said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The waiter said, "Okay, then, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.
Once again the waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The waiter said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a Chihuahua??"
]]>The math teacher saw that one of her students wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Billy! What are 2, 4, 28 and 44?"
Billy quickly replied, "PBS, CBS, Nickelodeon and the Cartoon Network!"
]]>
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"
"They're for your funeral."
]]>My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
]]>In the rural south, occasionally you will find an older gentleman who still uses a mule to make a garden. Until he was 72, my father used one and contended that if you knew what you were doing with a good mule, you never needed a hoe for the grass. Well, there was this old man who had been using a mule for years and it finally died on him. Seeing as he really needed a large garden to hold down food costs, he made a trip to see the mule dealer.
Admittedly, they are rare, but they still exist.
At the dealer's place he was surprised at how much prices for mules had increased in the last 20 years - mules live a long time. After examining the available stock and the leanness of his wallet (he only had $125), he concluded he would have to settle for a mule almost as old as himself.
After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price, the old man made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up his purchase, and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned to be faced with some bad news.
"Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden."
Jim replied, "Well bad luck is bad luck, you really can't do anything about it. Where's the mule now?"
"Oh, he's out back, I was just getting out the backhoe to bury him. Hold on a minute while I get your money for you."
"No, that wouldn't be right, I bought it, you were just holding him as a favor, it's my loss, not yours. But, if you will help me load him in the truck, I'll see if I can recover a little for him at the dog food plant."
Well, Jim loads up the mule and drives off. A couple of months later the mule dealer happens to drive by Jim's place and is astonished to see Jim working his garden on a NEW $4,000 garden tractor. Leaning on the pickup horn, he calls Jim over and asks him how in the world he managed such a piece of equipment when a couple of months before all he had was $125 for a mule and the mule had died on him.
"Well," Jim explains, "after leaving with the mule, I had this idea and I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,500 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize...Gardening Equipment. Then I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."
"Yeah, out where did you get the gardening equipment?"
"From you."
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"Like I said, I got it from you."
"Man, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know. That's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet it really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really. The only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."
]]>fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.
Cna yuo raed tihs?
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
]]>When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bullheaded.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk smiled and said...
"Rain..."
]]>"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
]]>A housewife was having several couples over for dinner one night, so she wanted to cook something special. She slaved for hours that afternoon and finally created a masterpiece. Salmon mousse.
Just before her guests arrived, she caught her cat nibbling away at the dish on the dining room table. She had worked so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away, so she smoothed it over and served it anyway.
Well, the mousse was a hit. Everyone took seconds or thirds. Proudly she stood to bring the empty plate out to the kitchen and looked out the window.
There, next to the house, lay her cat. Dead. She had to confess to her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the cat and now the cat was dead.
The entire dinner party rushed to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. The housewife, who hadn't eaten any because she knew her cat had, lay in bed mourning the passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could befall her guests.
Then, the phone rang. It was her next door neighbor who said, "I'm sorry about your cat. I should have told you that I ran her over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner party in progress... So I just put her on your lawn."
]]>When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."
"I don't understand," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was tomorrow."
]]>Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow.
"How old was your husband?" he asked.
"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."
"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"
]]>A foursome of elderly golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his aging buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
]]>A man was in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. He gambled away all his money and had to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He found a stall that happened to be open and pocketed the quarter.
Believing that his luck had finally changed, he put the quarter into a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings to the blackjack table and turned his modest winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, he went on the lecture circuit, where he shared his incredible story with others. In every seminar, he would tell his audiences that he would always be eternally grateful to his benefactor and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well," responded the lecturer, "but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the stall door open!"
]]>A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.
One day, a saleswoman, promoting a certain brand of cosmetics, knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home.
"Well," replied the saleswoman, "would you mind if I wait for her?"
The man directed her to the front room and left her there for more than three hours.
The saleswoman was wondering how much longer it would be, so she called out to the man and asked, "So... Where is your wife?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she returning?"
"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."
]]>A little girl was wearing a medical alert bracelet and someone asked her what the bracelet was for.
"It lets people know that I'm allergic to nuts and eggs," she replied.
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know. I don't eat cats."
]]>A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didnt have a container.
One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.
The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
]]>A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
]]>A man and his wife were out to dinner one night.
The waiter informed them that the special was almond chicken or fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman said.
The waiter nodded. "And the vegetable?" he asked.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replied.
]]>A woman down on her luck is walking through a well-to-do neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house.
She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door. He asks the lady what he can do for her.
The lady tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted.
He asks the woman if she paints.
The woman says, "Sure, I'll do anything."
The man replies, "Well, I have been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?"
Responding quickly she says, "I don't know... ...say $50."
"Sounds good," he says. "Go ahead and get started."
He closes the door and walks back inside. His wife asks him who was at the door, and he explains about the woman and tells his wife that the woman agreed to paint the porch for $50.
"$50?" asks the wife, "but that porch goes around the full length of our house. It will take at least a day. You really should pay her more."
"But that's all she said she wanted," he responds.
30 minutes later, they hear a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the woman is there and she tells him that she's done.
With a surprised look on his face he says, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch?"
She looks at him and says, "Yes, and by the way it's not a Porsche it's a Ferrari."
]]>Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked a little boy about his family trip.
"We visited my grandmother in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," he replied.
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
The student, obviously flustered, thought a moment and then said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
]]>Bill, a young man who was also an avid golfer, found himself a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an older gentleman name Harry shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany him, as he was golfing alone, as well. Not wanting to be rude, he allowed Harry to join him.
To his surprise, Harry played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and Bill found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, Harry finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, Bill swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
Harry offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
]]>After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Seńor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
]]>An elderly man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What are you selling young man," he asked.
"I'm not selling anything," the young man said. I'm a census taker."
"A what ?" the elder man asked.
"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."
"Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea."
]]>An exterminating company was giving free termite inspections, and my dad phoned for an appointment.
After the inspector checked out our house, he said to Dad, "You don't have any termites right now, but there's a bunch of 'em in that firewood out back. When they've eaten their way through it, I guarantee they'll head for your house."
Dad was silent for a moment. Then, he replied, "Well, from the prices you quoted, I figure it would be cheaper for me just to buy the termites another cord of wood."
]]>American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, seńor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But seńor, how long will this all take?"
The American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, seńor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. Youll become very rich, you would make millions!"
"Millions, seńor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
]]>At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: 'To My One And Only Love.' That way, if we break up, and she throws it back at me, I can use it again."
]]>A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!"
"Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?"
"They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?"
"Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
]]>Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
]]>Can you believe how many award shows they have now? It seems like that have an award show for everything.
They even have awards for commercials! The CLIO Awards, a whole show full of commercials.
I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
]]>Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren... ...all boys. The kids always wanted to play "war", and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.
His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!"
Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right.
Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, "Sh-sh-sh, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest."
]]>A man found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.
A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par.
When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress, "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
]]>I work at a bank and one day, our armored car arrived earlier than usual, so my deposit wasn't quite ready. As the young man waited patiently for me to secure the bag, I said, "Sorry to hold you up."
"For the delay, delay," he corrected me. "We don't use that other phrase."
]]>On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
]]>There are thousands of ways to reduce your federal income tax liability. Most of them are illegal. We don't guarantee the following suggestions will work, or won't end up having you sent to prison for 162 years:
AVOID MAKING TOO MUCH MONEY: The income tax code still penalizes success. The more money you make, the bigger the bite IRS takes. There is a point each year where you will have to say "no more income" and tell your boss you will work for free. Actually your choice is working for the federal government, or for your boss for free. What a choice!
ELIMINATE YOUR INCOME: The easiest way to reduce your tax burden is to reduce your income. Quit your job. Sell your business. Declare bankruptcy. As a long-term solution, though, this method has its downsides.
LOSE MONEY: In theory you can lose as much money as you make, so long as the making is real dollars and the losing is paper money. Big corporations do this somehow. MyHumor.org needs investors.
DEPRECIATION: Depreciation is a real scam. Everything you own decreases in value over time. Businesses get to deduct depreciation as a real expense, but people don't. Lobby for personal depreciation, the older we get, the lower our tax percentage.
DEPENDENTS: If you believe animals have the same rights as people, take your dog as a deduction. Getting your dog a Social Security number, however, will be difficult.
AVOID BEING SELF-EMPLOYED: Before the advent of income taxes, being in business for yourself as a doctor, lawyer, blacksmith, or whatever were noble professions. You didn't work for "yourself", you offered your services to mostly happy customers. But the federal government doesn't get payroll deductions from traditional small businesses, so they have created the disparaging term "self-employed". When you try and get a loan, just write down "self-employed" on the line for employment, and watch your borrowing capacity vanish. "Self-employed" is translated as "audit the rascal" in IRS lingo.
INCORPORATE YOURSELF: Corporations get lots of breaks you don't as a human being. For instance, corporations get to write off health insurance costs as a business expenses, but self-employed people get screwed. If you can't figure out what it is you as a corporation would do, don't worry. Many of the top corporations can't either.
KEEP YOUR BOOKS IN PESOS: Instead of using US currency as the basis for your business, use pesos. No one knows what a peso is worth or which countries are currently using them. The only sure thing is that it will be worth less tomorrow than yesterday.
]]>An elderly man was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
]]>Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him. Nevertheless, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly.
"By the way, sir, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."
]]>Site visitor Edison Speck contributed the following joke (when he noticed that we were missing a joke in the sports section of the site):
Many years ago, a frustrated batter in a major league baseball game, on being called out, threw his bat high into the air.
The umpire calmly told him, "Young man, if that bat comes down, you are out of the game!"
Thanks Edison! We're always looking for great joke contributions. Keep them coming.
]]>My husband and I found a charming bed-and-breakfast nestled in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Though enchanted, I nonetheless had some questions about the accommodations.
"Does the room have its own bath?" I asked.
Nodding, the proprietor answered, "If no one else shows up, it does."
]]>Once I heard a radio commercial that said:
"What would it be like to lose an entire hemisphere of your brain? Tune in to the Discovery Channel and find out!"
Finally, they admit it.
]]>Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know ... I think I just heard a discouraging word.
]]>I hope you're enjoying being a part of this list. If you ever have any comments or questions, don't hesitate to contact MyHumor.org.
Last week, someone asked me about an old joke. The request went something like this:
"Years and years ago a friend of my family read a joke to us that I still remember to be so funny that we would laugh until we hurt everytime we heard it. I've often wondered how I could possibly get my hands on that joke again. I don't even remember much about it except it was in story form and there were lots of play on words throughout -- it made you think one thing when it really meant another... I feel like it also had something maybe todo with a "BC" Baptist church... ...and maybe something about a toilet.... just not sure. I just started putting things into Google tonight and it brought me to your site."
I found the old joke and I hadn't heard if for a long time, so I thought I would share it with the list. There are two versions of the joke, one using BC and the other using WC. I personally like the WC version better, because WC is a term used in Europe for the restroom. I have never heard the term BC used (other than for aspirin). Anyway, here are both versions of the story.
An English woman, while in Switzerland, looked at several rooms in a large apartment house. She told the schoolmaster who owned the house that she would let him know about renting one of the rooms later. However, after she arrived back at her hotel, the thought occurred to her that she had not asked about the water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking about the "W.C.", being too bashful to write out the words "water closet." The Swiss schoolmaster, who was far from being an expert in English, did not know what the initials "W.C." meant. He asked the parish priest, and together they decided that it meant Wayside Chapel.The schoolmaster then wrote the following letter to the very surprised woman.
Dear Madame,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located seven miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. I recommend that you come early,although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford it go by car and arrive just in time. I would especially suggest that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is social music. Acoustically, the place is excellent.
It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., and it was there she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats.
The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings joyously every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people think it is a long-felt need.
My wife is rather delicate and does not go regularly. Naturally, it pains her very much not to attend more often.
If you wish, I shall be glad to reserve the best seat for you where you will be seen by all. Hoping I have been of service to you, I remain,
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster
There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation at a popular campground. But she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "B.C."
"Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'B.C.'? If not, where is the 'B.C.' located?" is what she actually wrote.
The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "B.C." meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.
The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "B.C. stands for Baptist Church." And he sat down and wrote:
]]>Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.
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Christian Bestsellers from Crossings Book Club.
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
]]>I went to the doctor last week and found out some sobering news. I had already determined that I needed to lose weight, as my somewhat unreliable bathroom scale was hitting 280 lbs (127 kg), depending on which way I was leaning. I started playing tennis once a week a while back, but that didn't seem to be making any difference with my weight. It did make a difference with the soreness of my muscles, though. So I determined that I needed to change my diet, along with the exercise, to get back to the 185-195 lbs (84-88 kg) that I should be.
I've had success losing weight with the Atkins Diet in the past, so I started it last Wednesday, July 5th. We had a big cookout at my parents house on July 4th, so I didn't want to start it any earlier![[:D]](images/smile/smile4.gif)
. I had my blood drawn on Thursday for my doctor's appointment on Monday.
On Monday, I went to the doctor. I weighed in at 276 lbs (125 kg), so I finally had an accurate starting weight for my diet. I found out some startling news. My cholesterol is 219 and all of my bad cholesterols are really high and my good cholesterol is really low.
My doctor told me that unless I lost weight and changed my eating habits, I would have to start taking cholesterol and blood pressure medication to avoid heart problems. The doctor recommended the South Beach Diet and said that although I wouldn't lose weight quite as quickly as Atkins, I would be healthier because I would be eating good, healthy foods.
On the South Beach Diet, you are supposed to lose between 8-13 lbs (4-6 kg) during the first two weeks. I started Monday and I have lost 5 lbs (2 kg) and I eat all the time! I'm excited!
One of the main differences, besides the actual food, is that I'm no longer drinking sodas. I think all of the sugar in the 44-72 oz (1.3-2 liters) of soda I was drinking per day was a great contributor to my weight gain. Now I drink tomato and vegetable juices, water and sparkling water.
The first few days were the hardest because of the caffeine withdrawal headaches, but now people have actually stopped cringing when I walk by and have started talking to me again.
]]>Unlimited photo storage and sharing - FREE Trial of SmugMug.
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband
never to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained.
"She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."
]]>You can sign up here:
. My wife just finished it. Of course, when I saw the book I thought it was about how to cope with kids, but it's not Simply Living with Children. It's amazing some of the stuff it has in there about how large corporations knowingly and willingly target our children to get us to buy things. Another one we just started is What Kids Really Want That Money Can't Buy.![[;)]](images/smile/smile2.gif)
)]]> ]]>My wife just returned from Slidell, Louisiana, where she joined the North Texas Disaster Relief Team from the Assemblies of God to help the Convoy of Hope with the distribution of food, water and other essentials. I'll be posting pictures and commentary here in the next few days.
We have removed all advertising on the site and replaced it with links to disaster relief organizations that we support. I hope you will support them too.
]]>Like any other of these clubs, you get a monthly selection that you have to cancel, but the cool thing is that you can cancel online. You don't have to mail anything back to them. You also have a minimum number to buy, but the introductory offer is great and you can find all those old movies you've been looking for. If you join now, you get 3 Disney Movies for $1.99 each plus Free Shipping at Disney Movie Club! With membership. We also decided to get the extra movies that you get when you sign up. You can get them at a reduced price and they count towards the total number you are required to buy.
One other thing, and I'll stop talking about this. They have specials every month, like buy one get one free, and you can also get movies that the adults enjoy. For example, they're currently offering The Count of Monte Cristo, Hidalgo, and others. The Disney Movie Club. If you join now, you're also supporting clean humor on the Web! Does it get any better than this? OK, maybe it does, but this is a pretty cool offer.
We're not making enough on sponsorship to pay for the site, so I'm looking into additional sponsors. I definitely will NOT do popups, popunders, flashing buttons and the like, but I am trying to find sponsors that you might be interested in. Do have any suggestions? Let me know.
]]>Find out how to protect yourself and get $10 OFF of Zone Alarm Security Suite 5.5.
]]>A recent article in ComputerWorld on one of the latest security problems states: "...attackers can silently and remotely take over an SP2 machine when the user simply browses a Web page"
There are two important steps you can take to avoid this. First, change browsers. I recommend Firefox. You can download it and find out all about it at the following link: Get Firefox. It has good privacy settings, tabbed browsing, a popup blocker and imports your favorites from IE. I've also included some links from news sources about it on the MyHumor Online Security page.
Second, get good security software in place on your computer. I recommend ZoneAlarm Security Suite. ZoneAlarm started as a personal firewall and has evolved to a full-service security system. ZoneAlarm Security Suite now includes a firewall to keep out hackers and spyware, antivirus protection to protect you from e-mail viruses and te new Instant Messenger viruses, as well as spam and phishing protection. It's normally $69.95, but using the following link you can get $10 off: Get ZoneAlarm. They also have a basic firewall (without antivirus, antispam, etc.) that is free for personal use. However, I have replaced 3 other programs with the security suite.
If you have any questions about any of this, feel free to contact me or visit the MyHumor Internet Security page.
]]>Check out the MyHumor.org Internet Shopping Guide.
This was a short-lived idea. I will now be using this blog to present the items that I like that you can find on the Internet.
]]>Although I still haven't finished my project, I will participate in the Commencement exercises at Regis University on May 1. I sure hope I finish my project before then.
Also, sometime in the near future, I plan on moving MyHumor.org to a new server, which will entail changing the code and ALL OF THE PAGES ON THE SITE! What does this mean to you? You'll have to change your bookmarks/favorites or go directly to http://www.myhumor.org, that's all. Don't worry; there will be a transition period in which both sets of pages will work.
]]>Apparently, even though a lot of people requested this feature (probably six or seven), nobody really used it. I had four requests in the last two years. Maybe someday it will work out, but I think there are probably better ways to get this information. Oh well.
]]>In reviewing the form today, I found some pretty basic errors that were preventing the form from working properly. As a matter of fact, I'm surprised that it worked at all! Anyway, if you have submitted a comment or criticism in the past, please let me know again, even if it is just to tell me what a bozo I am! Also, I respond to every submission I receive, IF you supply a valid email address.
]]>If you've read this far, then you are the kind of person I'm looking for. I need more jokes. If you wonder what kind of jokes, look at the categories to the left and the screening criteria. Next year, after I graduate (hopefully), I plan to expand the site. The current content, joke of the day in every category, will still be available for free, but I will provide lots more content for those who decide to pay a nominal fee.
What features will I offer? I plan to have a daily email, searchable archives and downloadable .pdf documents of each category. If you have other ideas or suggestions, let me know.
How much will it cost? Again, I would like to get your input on this. It will really depend on how much time I dedicate to it, as I would like to someday have the site cover at least my hosting expenses and the time I put into it. I look forward to hearing from you.
]]>![[:oops:]](images/smile/smile8.gif)
My first venture online was using a free homepage at hypermart that displayed banner ads on my pages. The address was http://myhumor.hypermart.net. The reason I chose Hypermart is because they allowed direct publishing using Frontpage and I was using Frontpage 98 to learn how to make Web pages. While it was a good tool to help me get started learning about Web pages, I wouldn't recommend it now.
I first started (like just about everyone, I guess) e-mailing jokes that I found to my co-workers. I would send messages with the subject "My Humor?", which was a poor attempt at letting people know that they might not find the contents funny.
Some liked it and some didn't, so I started an e-mail list that people could sign up for (by e-mailing me and asking me to add them to the list). I was just getting started learning web design, so I used this as a project to learn how to design web pages. I liked it so much, that now that's what I do!
]]>