While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That's my talking clock," the young man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," he answered and proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?"

The math teacher saw that one of her students wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Billy! What are 2, 4, 28 and 44?"

Billy quickly replied, "PBS, CBS, Nickelodeon and the Cartoon Network!"

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked a little boy about his family trip.

"We visited my grandmother in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," he replied.

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

The student, obviously flustered, thought a moment and then said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"