A woman complained to her best friend, "The kids are driving me nuts! I can't get any rest and I'm pulling my hair out."
"What you need is a playpen so the kids can't get to you and you can get some rest," her friend suggested.
So she bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it." Mary said. "I get in the playpen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
]]>There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand. Since it was quite hot and he was thirsty, he decided to stop.
Once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents," and a single, very small glass.
Well, he thought that it was a very small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all he could drink, he decided to get some anyway.
He gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. He slapped the glass back onto the table and said, "fill 'er up."
The kid replied, "Sure thing, that'll be 10 cents."
To this the business man said, "But your sign says all you can drink for a dime."
"It is," the little boy replies, "that's all you can drink for a dime."
]]>For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the child to feel the movements of the unborn baby. The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event.
Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap one day and said, "whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?
The little boy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
]]>Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down. Knowing he was in trouble, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"
]]>After her son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated mother sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard and called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
]]>A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
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The first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas.
Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife walked in, looked at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, and said, "What in the world are you doing?"
He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."
]]>As we were leaving our local wholesale club one evening, the lady checking our receipt greeted my 4-year old son, Jacob.
"Hello. What's your name?" she asked.
"Jacob!" he replied.
"That's a beautiful name," she responded. "Did you know that there was a Jacob in the Bible?"
"Yes," said my son with a smile, "but he was taller!"
I laughed all the way to the car.
]]>My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
]]>A man found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.
A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par.
When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress, "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
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